tell me how to feel.

i think i am just a sadist by nature.

i love reading things that upset me.

i love re-reading things knowing that will upset me.

and i still do it.

and i just never give up till i find the answer i want.

4 years 7 months.

i shared mdk for 4 years 1 month straight.

lol.

let me give u a background story of why it is about mdk again.

everyone keeps asking me why i fall for bad guys,

they either cheat, abuse me, or just don't love me enough.

then i will always say 'mdk is very nice to me, very very nice, just that he cheats. which i never understand why' 

like how can, how can someone be so nice to you, yet cheats?

but anyway, i rest my case.

i finally have a definite answer on he was the boy i thought he was 5 years back.

saw the uss pictures, saw the encrypted posts, although my heart twisted so badly, i still felt relieved upon closing all the browsers and came here.

i am just ranting btw..

so why, how did u even bring yourself to doing that?

knocking your head on the wall just to prove to me that u weren't the boy.

dont ask me why i was so 执着 in this.

i just wanted the truth, that he has been seeing her for the last 3 years in our rs.

that i have been two-timed, and even i suspected it, i didn't let him go.

lol.

so why, why didn't he admit to it even after we broke up, even after i was already with kenneth and we bumped into each other.

he swore, he convinced, he denied.

why?

ok, i will never know why.

then the other day i was telling smlj he was still the best bf i ever had, considering i only had 1 bf after.

BEST. 

i can write a whole list about how well he treats me, but ok that's not the point.

call me psychotic, i still remember how davidoff smells like.

i still remember all those fav food i had with him all over singapore.

perhaps this is what everyone says ''u never forget your first love'' 

perhaps that was why even after 2 years?

i was still bothered with the nagging feeling of i think he was boy but i had no proof.

or i think i just wanted a closure.

i still miss gwen, as a friend.

i bumped into celine at mink earlier this year, told her i missed her, hanging out with them, and i really do.

may 21st, wanted to wish her happy birthday, i didnt.

still reads her blog whenever i have the time to, but maybe cos i just wanna kpo her life too.

bumped into vic at zouk, felt like asking her hows gwen.

wanting to text her to cheer up when i know she's upset over mdk.

when i can understand how upset she would be over yuhan, well i do.

ok i dont want to sound so obsessed, but ya i think despite how ugly things became, i probably believed that some way or another, there were times she really treated me as a friend even though the relations were way too awkward then. 

perhaps 10/20 years later if we ever bump into each other and be friends again,

mdk might just be a perfect common bitching topic.

and i will abruptly end this post cos i have nothing else to say.

lol.

and am i just suay?

mdk portrayed himself as a nice loving bf to hanlin, was heartbroken etc, and was superrrrr nice.

but still - jerk.

kenneth gave me warning right from the start that he will leave me, there's no forever.

still - same heartbreaking shit.

ok bye.