rant.

i just need to let something out.

tired of seeking validation, so much so i felt im soliciting myself for my family.

ok, too harsh.. too dramatic.

but i just need to whine.

hate the fact how you are always so prejudiced against me.

are u sure i am materialistic?

as far as i can remember, all my branded stuff i bought them myself, with my own money.

and all the branded stuff the youngest have, was from you all.

i dont remember having such luxury when i turn 18.

the only overseas trip dad paid for was when i went bkk with my jc friends after A levels.

and that was it.

so yah, i spent the most money on tangible stuff which u all can see and judge.

my surgeries, my school fees etc.

then am i supposed to be deem in the bad light forever?

i find myself trying so hard, trying too hard to seek validation from you all, probably you that i feel so battered and worn out.

i cant help but feel annoyed when no one tells the dad about shampoo running out.

i cant help but feel annoyed when the soap runs out and everyone can shower without soap.

i cant help but feel annoyed when no one refills the toilet paper when it's used up.

i can't help but feel annoyed when everyone just shelters the youngest one.

i can't help but feel annoyed when something bad happens the fingers always point to me first.

and i may be bad that i bitch about things here.

but i am always the black sheep.

so i shall carry on with the bitching.

why do i have to be the one who opens the lift doors for ya'll when she can just live in her own world?

why am i always the one who's looking for sufficient chairs in the coffee shop?

why am i always the one carrying the chairs? 

am i very petty to feel unappreciative of such things?

i nua around, i worked for yina, i do things i like, i tio kan for spending my parents' money.

i found a full time job, worked like a dog when colleague screws things up, juggled so bad with school & work, did someone EVER EVER EVER bother encouraging me saying i do well?

all i got was ''how many years u need to get a degree?''

''stop wasting my father's money''

got a 3.82 gpa, all i got was ''really meh''

NO, ACTUALLY NO.

MY GPA IS ONLY 1.82, CAN I QUIT UNISIM TOO?

so. why do i feel so much. why do i bother so much trying to seek validation from all of u.

yah i know i should be trying hard for myself,

but seriously, if u all just see me as the black sheep of the family, probably just keep your cynical comments to yourself.

i dont need that.

and this korea trip really pisses the fuck out of me.

u know how annoyed i was when all u thought was me wanting to wear pretty clothes and want to choose things?

WHEN HAD I EVER CHOOSE ANYTHING FROM THE START?

just because u THINK or ASSUME i am like that, doesn't mean u can blatantly cut me with your words like that.

maybe you all should start looking at things without a bias eye from now on.

i dont think i am the materialistic one, nor the choosy one.

and from now on, i'll just stand one side when the lift comes, when i reach the coffee shop, when the house runs out of anything.

just stop sheltering the youngest one and taking me for granted.

and i hate my job.

i hate getting paid to be doing other's ppl job for filing, hate getting scolded for my colleagues, hate doing shit jobs, hate accounts.

and i hate getting yelled at.

why must i be professional when none of their tone to me is professional.

i rather be suffering outside than feel this unjust.