Superficiality.

 

when i'm free, i'll do a before-after surgery post.

while looking at my old pictures,

although i'm not kslc now, i sure feel a hell lot better about myself.

about being normal.

yeah, i just wanted to look normal.

tired of the insults you people will never get,

sick of the looks kids give,

hurt by the names called.

that day i was telling isa baby i'm happy i'm being called beautiful, for the first time in my entire life.

and people, even strangers, say i look pretty now.

and she said she dunno why i'm so happy over such superficial comments.

easy, i was always insecure over my looks.

i think i still am now, as contentment is always far fetched.

i just wanted to fit in.

to not have an ugly candid picture.

to not have a hideous side profile.

 

 before surgery. 

 

 after surgery, still swollen.

I DON'T LOOK PRETTY OR GLAM.

but at least i fitted in the candid shots.

you see the difference?

YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

i merely wanted to fit in because the world is full of superficial and judgmental people.

so if you ask me,

would i rather be called a plastic baby or a horse-face pelican.

i choose plastic baby.

i am elated when my dad can look at my still swollen face and smile and me and said his money is worth it.

it makes me fucking happy i see rainbows and shooting stars.

i'd come to terms that looks do matter.

so fuck those bulls where people say what matters is your personality.

being ugly is sad enough, but being ugly and judged & insulted is worse.

especially when people around you or close with you are being pulled into the picture.

when cheng had her second bf, i heard from a mutual friend that her bf's friends always made fun of how i looked.

people whom i'd never interact with, in my entire life.

and just because i was cheng's best friend, i was the topic of their entertainment?

dafuq?!

i was obviously depressed, i wanted cheng to be proud of who i look, she is of cos, but i don't want her to feel embarrassed or any shit cos of how i looked.

but, those guys are not even handsome, tall, macho, talented,

and not to say, clever (in academic terms)

when my ex cheated, his fling's friend threw a string of attacks at me.

about my looks of cos.

simi ugly ex gf, scary psycho ghost, blah blah.

but they are apparently no model material, prolly uk 10-12, having weight issues.

but ya. insulting my looks make them far more superior.

and same, NOT clever.

his mum disliked me cos she thinks im ugly, his neighbors thought i was ugly too.

so ya, i prolly 高攀 her son.

and no, greeting her, offering her the chair cushion to rest her back, being extremely meek and polite didn't score at all.

who the fuck cares about 内在美？

all bulls.

when smlj got maligned by her bf's ex over some stuff, she was further pissed when they pulled me into the picture.

when they insulted my looks (whats new) but for what?

i don't know them, i'm just your ex's current gf best friend.

IS IT A CRIME THAT I DON'T LOOK NORMAL?

and i just feel fucked up when they look worse than ugly betty.

you get my agony and angst?

and i just hate it, do you have to go to insulting my looks to get back at my friend?

it's like you got nothing else to blame her anymore, you blame her friend for looking ugly.

ok la no link, but if i didn't look like that smlj would have not went through that angst.

 once again, let me emphasize, she / they lack education.

then today, tay's friends, or maybe just that particular one.

when i knew about it, i was ok.

hurt yes, sad yes, but i'm numbed.

crude jokes are never funny when you are the topic of it.

and tay, tay was angry that i got to know about it.

and i just ponder, with my overwhelming insecurities,

is that why he never like bringing me to gatherings,

is that why i'd never meet his family officially,

blah blah blah blah blah.

so you get what i'm trying to say?

it's ok if u made fun of my looks, but just don't implicate the people around me.

imagine someone you know saying your gf / sister / best friend is ugly or make fun of her looks.

how would you feel or react?

it's like suddenly my looks become responsible for my loved ones feelings too.

you think my loved ones don't feel hurt when people comment about me?

which makes me wonder, if my siblings friends or acquaintances ever made jokes about my face.

and they just never tell me cos they never want me to feel hurt.

it's ok u know, i can take it now, i am ok.

even my own cousins make fun of my looks when i was young, ya i am petty but whatever.

i still love them very much now nonetheless.

but maybe my sibs friends never, cos they are more educated, more well mannered.

i never want to insult or stoop to the same level,

but honestly, those who are so judgmental & superficial & insulting,

should go get an education.

i'd prolly feel more balanced being judged / insulted by you.

and it is true, because when i had fights or blog wars with * last time.

she or her friends had never rebut with anything with regards to my looks.

see, educated people.

smlj was telling me, it's the family background & education which mould who you are.

true.

so ya, my favourite get back line now.

go get an education.

 i can write down a whole list of insults i'd got from people cos i'm 看不开 like that.

but ya, it's pointless now.

and i thank them, for making me so insecure that i became so vain and went for the surgery.

PFFT.

and i'm happy, all my friends come telling me how happy they are for me.

and how much better i look now.

and it makes me happy, cos ya, i'm also superficial like that.

but, being educated, i don't judge people by their looks or insult them if they are far below average.

those who aren't, go self reflect.

and please, the next time you want to insult someone about anything.

think twice.

what you are gonna leave is scars.

scars that will never disappear, perhaps only fade.

but scars that will always, and maybe haunt and hurt the person forever. 

u like it when someone takes a knife and slashes you?

i abhor double standard-ness.

PUI CHAO NUA.