Just because....

Sometimes, I don't settle for just an apology.

Sometimes, I don't settle for just a 'you're still the closest i ever had'.

Sometimes, just sometimes. 

I think this is just me, and it is innate.

If someone can hear me out, I am not unforgiving, I just cannot forget.

And I wonder if these 3 words will ever suffice - Just. Cannot. Forget. 

I squirm whenever I walk past the church every Sunday.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror I gave my right shoulder the most sympathetic smile I can force out. 

I find myself overwhelmed with unexplainable discomfort and fear every time I watch shows with the tiniest bit of violence in it. 

And I can come up with a whole list of the after effects caused.

Your temporary release of uncontrollable emotions left a permanent scar on the surface, and deep in within. 

And it is really not a sorry or any nice messages of concern over the years could have help with.

Just because you are sorry.

Just because I was the closest you had.

Your just because doesn't suffice, and perhaps never will.

Because I Just, cannot, forget.

老天爷，为何啊。。。。。

so beaten up by the hiccups at work.

then i start to ponder, the mistakes i made - was it due to my lack of interest for what i am doing, or i am just simply incompetent.

sigh.

i am so sad.

i almost died......

i pretty much coughed 2 hours straight, felt breathless with an aching chest.

wondering if i was having an asthma attack.

so, i almost died.

or i thought i would.

probably suffered a heart attack then POM died.

went to see a doc and she couldnt find out what was wrong.

my phlegm & cough was gone.

she said probably i choked on my saliva.

 

sigh.

IS THIS A SYMPTOM OF DEPRESSION OR STRESS OR WHAT?!

and since i have the time.......

so end of 2013, i went korea.

played with snow.

experienced -10degrees weather.

plucked a tangerine.

bought a natural botox skin care products which will supposedly stop me from age-ing from 3 years (haha).

spent my birthday overseas for the first time.

etc etc etc......

then... i picked this guy up randomly from cathay and had dinner with him.

looks not bad right.

hahaha

and i shall abruptly end this post cos i shall go surf tumblr.

OK BYE!

.

and did i ever mentioned. the cheque from nuffnang never came :(

BAH.

Moving on.

March 4, 2013
I was unpacking when I heard you walk in. I had on light pink lipstick that I found at the bottom of a box. You put a few things on the counter and handed me my car keys. I kissed you and asked if you could help me move the bed. You said you needed to talk. I keep replaying this over and over in my mind. I don’t think I’ll be able to unpack the rest of our boxes.

April 4, 2013
It’s been a month since you left.
Mark says you’re not coming back.
I can’t sleep.
Are you awake?

May 4, 2013
I finally went to the doctor like you had begged me to.
You were right and yeah, I’ll be fine.

June 4, 2013
I sold my engagement ring at a pawn shop today. I bought expensive lipstick and flowers. I also bought a lot of beer and a carton of cigarettes. I’ve lost a lot weight since you last saw me. My friends from high school that I haven’t seen in years hardly recognize me. It’s weird being back in this town without you. I spend most of my afternoons at the beach. I saw a sea turtle today while I was swimming. I miss eating breakfast food at midnight with you.

July 4, 2013
I stumbled across the video of you in the car singing Taylor Swift. I deleted it before it played all the way through but I have to admit it made me laugh. I can’t remember how your voice sounds saying my name. I broke down and called you. Thank you for not answering.

August 4, 2013
I dropped my cigarette in my lap when you drove past me today.

September 4, 1012
I went on a date.
He thinks Bud Light is “quality beer”.
It just isn’t going to work out.

October 4, 2013
It doesn’t hurt anymore to say your name.

November 4, 2013
Hope you’re doing well.

December 12, 2013
Thank you for setting me free.